#percy jackson shitpost
Rereadng PJO for the first time in years and cracked myself up late last night imagining Tantalus on Chopped.
Choppedkitchen. Dramatic music swells as Ted Allen lifts a cloche to show a plate. It is completely bare except for a handful of cornflakes scattered haphazardly across it.
Ted: Chef Tantalus, you have been chopped. Judges?
Chris Santos: Chef Tantalus. [His annoyance grows with each syllable of the name.] You didn’tcook anything. You went to the pantry, and you grabbed an armful of ingredients, and then you just ran around throwing them at your competitors. It was the most bizarre thing I have everseen in this kitchen. Never, in the history of this show, has a contestant just walked up behind someone and tossed an entire raw sheep’s heart into their gazpacho. That wasn’t just unprofessional—it was disturbing.
Tantalus: It wasn’t—
Chris: And honestly, I wouldn’t be so annoyed if you’d just left the plates empty. But this? [He gestures to his plate, which contains three pieces of Lucky Charms and a single, moon-shaped marshmallow.] This is an insult. It’s for these reasons we had to chop you.
Tantalus: I didn’t throw that stuff around—the Mist—I’m just hungry!
Chris: Well, if you were hungry for a win, you should’ve given us more than a handful of cereal, which wasn’t even a basket ingredient.
Tantalus: No, I’m literally—
Chris: You can go, thank you.
Cut to hallway. There is no voice over with Tantalus detailing his thoughts and hopes for the future. Two uniformed security guards drag him away from the kitchen as he screams.
Tantalus: [bleep] YOU, DEMETER! I KNOW YOU DID THIS! [bleep] YOU!
